please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
