Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I still have a little drunk in my system
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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