I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
