I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
