I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Enjoy the penises
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
