we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Of course I have a pirate flag
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
