don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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