you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
