i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
