I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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