my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
