im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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