TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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