how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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