Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
