Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Can i not drive my cunt home
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
