i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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