So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
