I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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