She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
