quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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