Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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