My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
