We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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