just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I love having hate sex.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
