I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize