I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
