just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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