well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
