just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
he quoted the bible to break up with me
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I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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