just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
he quoted the bible to break up with me
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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