my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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