ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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