i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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