She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
