I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
