If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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