yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
