I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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