I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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