Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
