I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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