I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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