What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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