mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
