Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
