so that wasnt chicken after all
We named our party play list daddy issues
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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