When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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