my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
