She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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