Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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