she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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