i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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