you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
