I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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