Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
