respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
