i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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