I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
