I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
