OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
