Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
