I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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