you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
