The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
