I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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