Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
