My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
